Sex Addict Q&A
Sex addiction is real, less funny than you'd think and incredibly destructive. It's also something you can work through.
Sex addiction is not to be confused with sexy diction. Sexy diction is how women from Northern Ireland* talk. Sex addiction is what people on Love Island have. Except they don't.
Reading the interview below with a sex addict who would prefer to remain anonymous, you realise that sex addiction is not a made-up condition to excuse bad behaviour, nor is it a redundant term for how we all feel but few of us act. Sex addiction has deep psychological roots and has 12-Step groups like AA dedicated to its management.
Sex addiction came up as a kind of excuse for a mass shooter recently. The response was, understandably, hostile. And while the idea that shooters should not be humanised is extremely problematic if you are a Christian (humanising only white shooters, often more than their victims is the real problem), it is important to understand that sex addiction doesn’t excuse violence or any other crime.
Alcoholism is not an excuse for killing people while driving drunk and drug addiction is not an excuse for robbery, Cheech and Chong movies or House music.
But sex addiction is a thing. And it is worth understanding.
I reached out to a sex addict I know and asked if they would answer some questions for publication. They said yes.
I hope you fined their courage, vulnerability and insight helpful in understanding this complex addiction better.
And before we get to it, if you’re reading this online, you could get Beer Christianity direct into your inbox if you subscribe. Smash that orange button if you’re interested.
*And men from actual Ireland
Interview with a sex addict
[It’s worth noting that the moments of levity in this newsletter were cleared with the interview subject prior to publication.]
People treat sex addiction as a punchline. Your experience has not been funny. What are your reflections on people’s automatic reversion to humour regarding sex addiction?
My automatic reversion to most things is humour so I totally understand.
Part of the problem is that’s it’s still not talked about much. I think we need to do a lot of work to recognise how prevalent and damaging behavioural addictions are. Lots of issues are seen as silly or trivial but in reality they can be crippling. Addiction to sex, gaming, overeating, shopping and social media can be dismissed (even by the addict) if they don’t think it’s even a real thing.
It’s hard enough for an alcoholic to break through their own denial and seek help and that’s widely recognised as a condition. There’s an additional hurdle for an addict when there’s added stigma or it’s trivialised by society.
What do people most often misunderstand about sex addiction?
I often hear the term used either in a comedic context or as an attempt to excuse the behaviour of people like Harvey Weinstein. Before I admitted I had a problem, I had plenty of misconceptions about it. I hadn’t come across the term much, to be honest, and I think that’s part of the problem.
But after hitting my rock bottom I was open to anything. In June 2019 I found myself several thousands pounds in debt after a drug fuelled all-nighter in a brothel. It took me a couple of days, but I came to the conclusion that there was no where left to hide. My only option was to be completely honest with my wife. That day I told her about my secret life. During the nine years of our relationship (seven years of marriage) I had visited sex workers on several occasions, blown money in strip clubs and made drunken advances on women in bars whenever I got the chance. And all this was underpinned by a considerable amount of compulsive porn consumption.
A few days after my confession my wife sent me a link to an article about sex addiction. I had quite a mixture of feelings as I read. First of all, I felt a sense of amazement and humility that my wife was able to think about my healing in the midst of all the pain and trauma I’d caused her. I did have a strong identification with the condition the article described but I was also very reluctant to concede that I had any kind of condition which might negate my own responsibility. At the time I thought that I was just a selfish asshole that can’t handle being monogamous. Or maybe I’m just a typical bloke and most guys are just better at keeping a lid on it. Or maybe my wife was the problem. Maybe I needed a partner that would give me more sex.
I came to realise that these responses are fairly typical for those struggling with sex addiction. After joining a 12-Step group I began to understand that we can take full responsibility for our actions as well as being prepared to look into the causes and conditions that lead a person down the path of behaving in such a destructive way.
Many people think sex addiction is just an excuse for bad behaviour and that we’re all addicted to sex, really. How can one be addicted to sex?
I think labels like sex addiction (or compulsive sexual behaviour disorder) are useful as a framework for recovery rather than a way of excusing past behaviour. However, this understanding will no doubt shine a light on the unconscious motives behind past behaviour.
I’ve found Dr Gabor Mate’s work really helpful. He says the following:
“An addiction is any behaviour, substance related or not, that an individual pursues because they find pleasure, relief, or they crave it temporarily. They pursue the pleasure and relief despite negative consequences. And they don’t give it up, in the face of negative consequences. That behaviour could be sex, gambling, eating, shopping, work, relationships, or substances.”
We can tend to think that only hardcore substance users deserve to be labelled as addicts. But I believe we can be addicted to almost any pleasurable or rewarding behaviour. It’s our relationship to that behaviour that reveals if it’s addictive and destructive or not.
What would you say to those who might see sex addiction’s consequences being quite light compared to other addictions?
Every addiction is different so it’s not always helpful to compare. The effects of sex addiction could be relatively light. It might be someone who struggles with an addiction to porn. It’s maybe not wrecking their life but it’s something they’re unhappy with and negatively effects their view of sex in real life.
I now know lots of sex addicts through my 12-Step group. I have friends who committed sexual offences when in the grips of their addiction. I know addicts that have lost marriages and lost contact with their children. I know of others who have taken their own lives.
Is sex-addiction a primarily male problem? What role do patriarchal culture and sexism play in sex addiction?
Whenever I hear statistics quoted there tends to be a surprising and rising number of women who struggle with sex addiction. And maybe there would be more women seeking help if there wasn’t such stigma attached.
I’d say patriarchal culture plays a role in terms of perpetuating toxic masculinity. One of the key dysfunctions of sex addiction in men is us being unable to connect with ourselves and our emotional life. Therefore we can externalise our emotions through attaching to objects. Anything from football to sex.
Sexism plays a role through promoting objectification. My own experience is that I was caught between two extreme views of sex and relationships. On one hand there was lad culture (and porn culture) that sees women primarily as prizes to be won and little more than objects of desire. Then on the other hand was purity culture as taught by parts of the evangelical church. This taught that any sexual activity or sexual expression was only permissible within heterosexual Christian marriage. Therefore the normal healthy exploration of sexuality throughout adolescence is framed as a battle for a man’s purity and women are the enemy, the temptation of sin. Again, women are reduced to little more than objects.
Is sex addiction a simple case of needing more self-control or a symptom of a deeper issue?
Yes and yes! An addict desperately needs more self control. But why can’t they achieve it? They may well find they have a pretty good sense of self control in other areas of their life.
The deeper issues are specific to each individual but people often say that addiction is the opposite of connection. Many sex addicts crave genuine connection and intimacy but instead find an alluring but hollow facsimile through using porn or sex workers.
There’s often childhood trauma, abuse or neglect. Maybe a lack of early years parental attachment. An addictive behaviour becomes a source of comfort, safety, escape or control. Then a habit forms and the neural pathways become entrenched to the point that the addict believes that his or her object of addiction is the solution to their problems.
You’re in the 12-Step programme, like Alcoholics Anonymous – how does that work with sex addiction?
SAA generally uses the AA template but differs in some areas. The aim is to abstain from addictive sexual behaviour, as opposed to abstaining from all sexual behaviour. A vital part of the recovery from sex addiction is to rediscover and enjoy healthy sexual behaviour. Each member of SAA will work with a sponsor to agree their own specific areas of behaviour to be avoided.
So it’s less about imposing strict rules and more about each person discovering what is healthy or damaging for them as an individual.
People reading this will wonder if they or someone they know is a sex addict. Where is the line between sex addiction and being non-monogamous (be that polyamory, promiscuity or adultery)?
Part of the wisdom of the 12-Step programme is that it puts the onus on the addict. We can try and label others but it’ll only ever be effective someone comes to that conclusion themselves. Step one is: “We admitted we were powerless over our addictive sexual behaviour – that our lives had become unmanageable.” If someone feels they are currently powerless over their behaviour and/or they feel their life is becoming unmanageable, they may be a sex addict.
If someone is happy and wholesome and enjoys living a non-monogamous life, then that’s really none of my business. For me, the warning sign is repeatedly engaging in actions despite their negative consequences.
There are helpful online questionnaires like this one:
https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict
How are you doing with it all now?
I’m doing really good thanks. Primarily, that’s down to the love, support and belief my wife has shown me. I’m so grateful for her and realise that so many other guys in similar situations have not been so lucky. I’ve really been transformed through the 12 step program, through counselling and through the support of so many loving friends and family.
For the first time in my adult life I’m living with integrity, honesty and authenticity. I’ve done a lot of damage in my life. I almost lost everything and reached a place of complete desperation and disorientation. From that place my journey of recovery has taught me to reconnect with my inner emotional life. I used to be governed by my unconscious drivers of shame and fear. But now, through disciplines of self care, I’m able to sit with my uncomfortable emotions, feel my vulnerability and express myself in healthy ways.
I still struggle from time to time (I hear that’s common for lots of mental health issues). But I now have support systems in place to manage those struggles. Having gone through the 12 steps and tried my best to make my amends I’m now sponsoring others and helping them to work the steps in their own recovery.
Get help / further reading
Check out Dr Gabor Mate’s work here
Listen to a discussion on purity culture and sex here.
Follow, engage with and support Beer Christianity
Follow/message Beer Christianity on Twitter: @beerxianity and Instagram. Listen to us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube and Stitcher.
Leave us a question or comment to be included in the podcast at: speakpipe.com/beerchristianity.
I do this for free and for the love of getting to talk to you. If, however, you’d like to help out or show your support even more than by reading, there are two options:
1. Tell your friends about the newsletter and the podcast, share them on social media, leave reviews, all that kind of stuff. It is so encouraging. And makes it more worthwhile.
2. Buy me a beer. That is to say, you can make a donation to help support me doing this stuff. You really don’t have to, but it really does really help. And if you’re doing it specifically to support the podcast, I promise to buy drinks for Laura and Malky too if you like! Please leave a message if you do! But also no pressure! Good Lord this is awkward.
Anyway
Thanks for reading all the way to the end. Brave of you. Or you have a lot of time on your hands. Either way. I wanted to share an ‘outtake’ for that gag about Love Island right in the beginning. Initially it was: “Sex addiction is what people from Newcastle have.” But that seemed cheap. Cardiff? Racist. And both of them carrying more than a whiff of slut-shaming misogyny. I tried really hard to make “Sex addiction is what most of us have at closing time in a nightclub” and “Sex addiction is what most of us have after listening to Barry White” work. But they didn’t. So I settled on the Love Island joke. But, to be honest, I’m not proud of it. I’ve never watched the show. Why did I leave it in, then? Because I think the phrase ‘sexy diction’ is genuinely hysterical. Sacrifices have to be made. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Very interesting! Thanks to the interviewee for their honesty.