BREAKING NEWS: Concerned Boomers urge Palestinians to resist via copy-paste Facebook status
At this point, what even is satire?
A coalition of pensioners, church deacons and your parents broke their silence on the Israel-Palestine conflict today, urging Palestinians to put down their weapons and conduct their struggle via the method of copy-paste Facebook statuses.
The Coalition of Elders said, in a conference conducted exclusively via Facetime, that while they recognised Palestinians’ frustrations, they could never condone violence. Spokesperson for the coalition and your distant aunt, Ashli Rosabelle told reporters: “Last week we were informed that Palestinians have also sometimes been the victims of violence in the Holy Land, which was a shock to us all. But we cannot condone aggression. Or the flying or Palestinian flags, which we all know to be anti-Semitic. Or protests if they are too large, loud or angry. Or boycotts, disinvestment, sanctions or other bullying tactics,” Rosabelle said. “We stand for peace. And urge Palestinians, if they must resist, to do so peacefully. We don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
Rosabelle and other members of the Coalition then shared their suggested tactic for Palestinians to employ. “As a coalition of concerned parents, grandparents, homeowners and Christians, we are frankly shocked the Palestinian people could not come up with this themselves,” Rosabelle commented while adjusting her camera angle so that members of the press could see more than the top of her head for the first time during the conference. “But here it is.”
Rosabelle then angled the camera further down, to reveal a print-out of a Facebook status. The text read as follows:
"I do not consent to being occupied and hereby revoke any permission for the IDF, Israeli Settlers or the government of Israel to take my house or land or to kill my family in a bombing."
Rosabelle then handed over to fellow Coalition spokesperson Bambi Duller, who gave this impassioned plea: “I wonder how many people will bother to read this? But if you do and you care about peace and justice, copy and paste this status word-for-word — DO NOT SHARE. Copy and paste. If you do not post this status, you and your family may be in danger of losing your home or being killed,” Duller said.
After a short conversation with Ms. Rosabelle, Duller added: “By Hamas, obviously.”
When pressed for comment on Israel’s own bombing campaign, the group suggested that “angry reacts, cutting off of water, electricity and medical supplies” were “preferable”, but that the Coalition of Elders was “fine with Israel using bombs and bullets if necessary for security.”
A breakaway faction of the Coalition of Elders, comprising self-styled liberals, people with Ukraine flags in their profile pictures and that one weird cousin who doesn’t believe in vaccines, Upvote Now, criticised the statement saying it doesn’t go far enough.
Ed Fishslick, spokesperson for Upvote Now said at an conference on TikTok Live: “What Coalition of Elders fails to understand is that Palestinians are being killed and ethnically cleansed in huge numbers right now. They have lived for decades under a brutal military occupation that has taken their land, their water, their human rights and their children from them. A Facebook status, however carefully worded, simply won’t cut it.”
After a brief pause to collect his thoughts, a visibly moved Fishslick continued: “The only way forward is a Change.org petition.” Fishslick also clarified that he believed Israel had a right to defend itself “from terrorists, apartment blocks, hospitals, churches and mosques” and that “The people of Gaza and the OPT must learn to go through the proper channels.” The TikTok Live ended to the sound of Where is the Love by Blackeyed Peas.
At time of reporting, the civilian death toll in Gaza and the West Bank is over 5,700. All spokespeople quoted in this story and everybody remotely associated with it condemn Hamas.
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